[Ed note: I wrote a draft of this post months ago. I’m just now getting around to expanding on it and publishing. New content comes tomorrow!]
Peace. Love. Happiness. Fulfillment.
Yoga. Recycling. Taking the bus. Green technologies. Bono taking over the world. Why are we turning into saints while our world is imploding around us? When did the human race become such wimps? It is time to take action, my friends. We did not defeat the hippies in the 60s to see them take over the world 50 years later…
From today, I will expose the views of the Zenophobe, which encompasses the following:
1.) Anger is good.
Think about your wife who was being totally unreasonable this morning when she asked you to take out the trash. Or the guy that cut you off on the way to work this morning. And let’s not even talk about your insane coworkers… you hate your job, and it shows!
Live in the moment. Feel your emotions. Take them out on the person next to you.
2.) Cursing is good. God did not give you these brilliant words not to say them.
Say fuck a lot while being the loudest fucker in the room. The person who screams and rants the loudest, while not letting anyone get a word in edgewise ALWAYS wins the argument. Trust.
3.) Greed is good. Money is meant to be spent – you can’t take your Benjamins to the grave. So max those credit cards to the bone… Show your neighbors just what an important muthaf-er you are… flaunt your cars, bling, and your big ass house with your *ahem* illegal maids, nannies and gardening staff.
You know, if rappers, movie and sports stars can have THE LIFE, so can you. You just have to go into debt for it. But that’s okay: the rich guys that run our country almost defaulted on the USA’s debt too, so they MUST know what they’re doing…
And above all, make everyone jealous of you by expounding on all the important people you know… your “connections.” Because you can. Angelina Jolie was put on this earth to entertain you. Dance monkey, Dance!!!!
4.) Exercise = Ummm…
Feel the stress. Is your mouth clenching? Head throbbing? Palms sweating? Heart pounding? Fists clenching? Breathing hard?
Good. You just got your workout for the day.
I have never seen nor read about any of our Founding Father’s exercising… until now
5.) Be a man: When you need to lose weight, get sick. Lose 10 lbs quickly. None of this diet crap. God put McDonald’s on the Earth so we can consume, consume consume! You’re only living this life once… enjoy it while it lasts! Oh, and suck down that 128 ounce cup of sugary soda while you’re at it.
6.) Clutter your Environment Some More
You have too much stuff around the house? Solution’s easy: move to a bigger house. Buy that gas guzzler while you’re at it. Nothing says “I’m a badass” like when your car takes over two lanes… JUST BECAUSE IT CAN!
Oh, and while we’re on the subject of the environment, people, there are bigger problems in the world than you know, this fancy “global warming” talk. Enjoy the heat. Go to the beach. Get some sun. Science doesn’t have anything on MY reality.
As a result, you will close your mind to the world.
My life is going the way it is. Why change things now? Like the hippies say, I’m being the person I was meant to be. My badass self. And I’m at peace with that.