Facebook is DEAD to Me (well, comatose anyway…)

Well, I disappeared yet again. What can I say?!?!??? I have stuff to write about… I’m just not that motivated at the moment to do so. Bite me. Bite me hard.

Well, not you.  Shoo...

What can I say about the social networking sinkhole… that hasn’t already been said? Ad nauseum?  Oh, okay.   Because I can’t shut up for two f’ing seconds, let me speak my peace.

*clears throat*

Facebook was great in the beginning.  (Maybe even awesome.  Okay.  Just great.)  I found grade/high school/college buddies, family and other random folk whom I hadn’t seen in decades. Instead of business cards, I’d trade my Facebook profile with new acquaintances. I did not even know I had 1,000+ friends… until my laptop told me so.  Whoa.  I was suddenly popular.

(Anyone who knew me in high school is probably laughing hysterically right now… Be nice, ya’ll…)

Since I work from home, Facebook became my water cooler… a place that I could go when I needed a break to shoot the shite with my newfound posse. Frankly, got to know a lot of people a little bit too well. (Damn. People are quite revealing when they are behind a computer. Through my lowly status page, I learned of my friends’ comings and goings… thoughts on life… work situations… political musings… witticisms… vacation plans… etc. People were getting married, having children and subsequently divorcing right in front of me. Wow…)

Well, let me back up. I got to know people to the extent that they wanted to be known. I knew that everything presented was just an illusion… and I bought into it line and sinker. I drowned in the proverbial Facebook puddle. Until I got past the rainwater and hit concrete.

*    *    *

 

*     *    *

The beginning of the end for me began with George Takei. Yes, that dude from Star Trek. Love the man. Love his memes. Unfortunately, like Celine Dion, Adele and someecards.com before him, he continues to be overplayed ad naueuem… on my status page. So George posts a picture. Then… 300 of my friends share it with each other… and myself. (I am guilty as charged of this misdemeanor… My bad.) As a result, I overdosed on the Takei. Too much G.T. = oh, my indeed!

To add insult to injury, I can’t even click on an interesting article anymore that someone posts… without finding myself at an intermediary page that asks for permission to share all of my information with Facebook. Ummm, no WashingtonPost Reader, et. al. I’ll just go to your respective website(s), thanks.

Ultimately though, what put me over the edge was when my profile page turned over to the dreaded Timeline. I put up with their design changes over the years… barely. But wow, now my whole user experience sucks hairy balls. Way to ruin Facebook for me, Facebook!

So one day, I realized that I had to quit this beast in the worst way, and decided to take the prerequisite steps to divorce Facebook… without actually deleting my account. You see, the social network thing is now ubiquitous. For one, it replaced Evite for all practical purposes to invite people to events. (Heck, my book club organizes their meetings and their selections through it.) And dammit, I now need the site to remind me of everyone’s birthdays. In the end, I decided not to inconvenience people based on my selfish decision. No, it will have to stick around like a surly ex, but hopefully, it’ll live across town so I don’t have to look at its ugly nog anymore.

Now can I be on Facebook… without actually being on Facebook? That is the question that I’m wrestling with at the moment. For now, I’ve reset my settings to receive event invites and personal messages through an email account that I’m (trying for the life of me) to check daily. I’ve informed many people of my email address should that fail. Because I’m that anal, testing every damn eventuality has taken its sweet time… and I’m not even done yet… *sigh*

But with every addiction, you have to go through withdrawal. I went through one entire week without even logging in. And what did I do with my new-found spare time?!?!???? Well, I wasted it, of course. The World Wide Web is pretty vast, if I may say so myself.

Long story short: It was the hardest week of my life.

Below, you’ll find a list of the status updates that I SO BADLY wanted to post… but spared all of you. Until now:

  • Spent 30 minutes looking for my keys. Luckily, they were safe and sound… in my linen closet. #fail #TeamNoDisrespect
  • NYC! NYC!
  • Walking over the Brooklyn Bridge… with the other tourists
  • Tasted a gen-u-Ine homemade NYC bagel for the first time. No one told me it would taste like… (WAIT for it…)      a f’ing BAGEL. #expectations
  • Back to DC. And my butt hurts. The Chinatown Bus kicked my ass… literally #checkyoursuspensiondude

I was SOOOOO Good!!!! Facebook cravings started to cease.

And then the NASA space shuttle had to fly over me. Literally. The plane zoomed about 500 feet over my head. It was so cool! And yes, I broke down and had to post my experience on Facebook. And it went downhill from there… I threw out my back later in the week. And I had literally nothing to do for hours… except check my Facebook status page periodically, between my prescription haze.

The surprising thing though, is that when I logged back on again, I wasn’t as emotionally invested in the “experience.” I was barely spending five minutes at a time scrolling up and down the front page. I think I’m finally over it. Even though I had a relapse, it will be easy to quit now, once my back allows me to get on with my life. I love my Facebook friends, (well, like a distant cousin…) but I’m gonna keep my musings here, where I actually own my writing… imagine that(!)

And Facebook will go on without me.

(*Disclosure: My mind is always subject to change*)

Postmortem: I just realized that once I publish this musing, ironically, it will automatically cross-post to my Facebook page. Yet another setting to change. Will I ever leave?

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Posted in Check Please!, Facebook, Friendship, New Beginnings, technology | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Six Ways to Stay (Un)Happy Forever

During my blog absence (again), I’ve been *ahem*… growing.  Not up, mind you (dammit)… but figuratively, exploring my squishy insides…

Dale Carnegie‘s books entered my life, and I’ve been emulating his teachings.  That is, I’m trying to be a more authentic, kinder, gentler person, living in the present.  Ergo, being the best No Disrespect I can possibly BE

Blah, blah, blah.  Well, I hit my rock bottom today.  This goody-goody stuff ain’t for me.

I hate you.

In the end, yes, I am a misanthrope.   (And how!)  I need to suck it up – and just own my bad, terrible, no good self.  Here’s a few pointers that you can use… to become  JUST.  LIKE.  ME!!!    Because we need more wars, strife, famine and general unpleasantness in the world…

1.) Live in the past.  Dwell on what went wrong with your life up until now…

You just don’t deserve the misery you found yourself in.

It’s not fair that everyone around you seems so content, surrounded by family and friends who care for them… while you’re eating takeout with your lonesome every weekend night.   What the hell happened?  How/why did life turn out like this???  Why don’t people like you????

Well actually, once you think about it, it’s easy.  You shouldn’t have to try so hard to be liked.  Pretending to like people is hard.  Genuinely caring about people takes even more work.  And even if you put an honest effort in taking some interest in others, they may not like you back.  Or they may like you for a while, and then not.  Or vice versa.  Relationships are hard.

Honestly, it’s just easier to just hate people.  Period.  And be by yourself.  Blaming others for your pathetic life is so much easier than taking responsibility for it.  So you just gave up on humanity at some point and collected a few take out menus.

But not all is lost!!!  You can still take your deeply seeded frustrations out on everyone who dares to not like you for being you.  Which leads to my second point…

2.)  Take EVERY slight (whether true or perceived) personally.

Let’s face it, rejection sucks.  That is, when you actually allow yourself to feel dismissed.  You don’t have to turn the other cheek again… EVER.   Turn it around… take it in… and passive aggressively throw your “hurt” in the offender’s face later.  Oh, to see the look on his face!  Causing drama is SO MUCH FUN!!!!

Especially when you have no emotional investment in others.

3.)  Feel like you’re entitled to EVERYTHING.

There’s only one of you in the world.  And one life to experience.  Live it up.  Take what’s yours.  Seriously.  And if you can’t afford it/get it for free/bribe it off of someone/possess it entirely… snatch it.  Grab it for all it’s worth.  Even if it “technically” doesn’t belong to you, hey, it’s yours now!!!

Five finger discount, baby.  Five finger discount.

She's yours... now what?

3.)  Don’t say what you mean… or mean what you say.

When I was just a wee tadpole, my parents told me that people should like me just the way I am.  Strangely, nobody likes No Disrespect (see above)… Hmmm…

Okay.  New rules.  I’ll become someone else.  You call it fake.  I call it Darwinist… survival of the fittest, baby!

To have an interesting life, c’mon… you have to make it up!  I just stepped off a plane from Tahiti yesterday, and am going to the Cayman Islands tomorrow.  Be jealous.

And when you start talking s**t, the possibilities for prevarication are endless.  You can now lie about your emotions, interpersonal relationships… pretty much every single pebble of minutiae with others.  And if you get to the Bonus Level… you can even start lying to yourself.

Bliss!  (yes… say it with me… IS ignorance…)

5.)  Don’t take care of yourself.

Exercise?!?!???  Eat healthy?!?!???   Wear deodorant????

Ha!  That s**** just takes too much time away from drinking copiously and getting high daily.  As we said earlier, you got only one life to live.  Live it.  (Or not.)

Because living is so much easier when you don’t have to experience it.

And honestly, if people don’t like your slobby self, really it’s their problem, not yours.

6.)  Keep doing the same thing over… and over again

Above all, trying new things is just… too risky.  Doing something out of the norm causes weird, new sensations… and emotions are too… well, emotional.  Best to just not deal with anything new and shiny.  At all.

In the end, the game of life is rigged with disappointment.   Everybody and everything exists just to let you down.  F**** all of them.

It’s better to continue your routine.  Stay in your own little rut.  Where everything stays the same.   Because then, nothing gets rocked.  Your bubble won’t burst.  You know what will happen every single damn day of your life.

Nothing.

And so, the chain is unbroken.  Now, you have more things to complain about to anyone who will listen…

The circle of unhappiness gets another spin.  Because there’s always more misery to go around.

Success!

Posted in Complaints, Edumacation, Friendship, I'm annoyed, Life, Oh The Humanity!, Six Things I Learned This Week | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

A Very Race-y Post…

Where did No Disrespect go????  Yeah, I took a bit of a blog holiday.  Honestly, my last post cracked me up, and I was trying to top myself with another brilliant idea.  Finally, I just gave up.  I’m not that creative, apparently… Welcome to this lame post.  What a letdown!

(Oh, also… I went to AZ, got sick/better and resumed my life now that spring is on the horizon.)

Things were going SO WELL that I had nothing to complain about… ergo, the blog suffers – but THEN, someone online accused me of being anti-semitic.  Um, yeah.  Someone (who doesn’t know me at all, mind you) thinks that I hate Jews.

Yes, I AM a racist.  And hey, you’re a racist too.  Sit down.  Some of us are just better at hiding (or are unaware of ) our prejudicial proclivities.  Stereotyping other is what makes us human.

Actually, if you’ve ever hung out with Indian people, you’d find that we are the biggest racists of them all.   I’ve heard friends recall their childhoods.   Their parents would preach to the girls again and again that they should never marry Blacks or Muslims (for fear of disown-ment.)  White people, apparently, are okay… if you can’t find a good Indian boy first.  (Preferably a doctor or a professional.)  Recently, Asians surprisingly joined the “do-not-marry list.”   Apparently, when Indians breed with the “Chinese” (i.e., all people from Eastern Asia), they’ll have ugly babies.  To them, I show them this:

The cutest baby I know at the moment. 1/2 Japanese and 1/2 Heinz 57. Add a few more shades of dark... still a cutie.

Which brings me back to my current dilemma.  Ok, even through I’m a racist, I don’t actually hate the entire Jewish diaspora.   Dammit!  I can’t even pull out the (fake) “I have Jewish friends” card.  While I have many Jewish acquaintances, I don’t think I hang out with even ONE actual Jew on a regular basis.  No biggie… it is just how my friendship circles have panned out for the moment.  It may change in the future.

In the end, it’s not about a person’s religion, race or ethnicity to me.  I just don’t naturally like people.  Period.  Doesn’t matter if you’re white, black, brown, Jewish, Russian, and/or assorted other.  So to the blowhard who thinks that I’m a hater: Yes.  I hate you.  Actually, no.  Strike that.  I don’t hate you.  Hate takes too much energy.  I’m indifferent to you.  You special snowflake you.  Not because you’re Jewish, but because you’re you.  That is all.

Posted in Blog Update, Complaints, Holy Cow, I'm annoyed, Oh The Humanity!, Stupidity, Those Asians!, Those Racists | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

The Eroticism of Indemnity

This is an appropriate post for after Valentine’s Day, methinks…  Alone, but surrounded by thirty long-stem read roses, each seemingly competing for reception on my olfactory nerves… my nasty mind wanders to the topic of porn.

[Note: For the record, I have never watched porn.  Never wanted to… never will.  Nuh, uh. Never, ever, ever…]

Excuse me kind sir, but have you seen my dick?

Big news, ya’ll!!!    (In all senses of the word…)  Recently, a very ‘prosperous’ porn star insured his penis for one million dollars.   That’s a lot of change for one ‘member…’   The policy covers the “loss” of this junk, but alas, not any infections or injuries which may arise because of his “work.”

Aside from the John Wayne Bobbits of the world, I don’t know of any gentlemen that (accidentally or otherwise) lost his babymaker. But okay. If an insurance company deems it, I guess it can happen…  Enjoy spending money on those premiums, dude!

So, of course, a male friend of mine and I proceeded to discuss other means of “porn insurance.” For starters, women definitely should be allowed to insure their hoo-has in case of “accidental loss” too, dammit.   (Yeah…) And since the female stars seem to always wear stilettos during *ahem* their always-contorted “performance,” shouldn’t some form of eyeball insurance be afforded to the men “acting” with them?  Because taking out a blinker may hurt as well…

I kinda need these things.  Can you keep those stabby things away from by face?  Thanks, hun...

And for people who prefer to conduct themselves off camera, (without getting too crude)… our premium list should include TMJ insurance, (any orifice) insurance, charley horse insurance, (and for you single people) blow up doll and toy insurance.  Hey.  I don’t discriminate.

I’m not saying anything… I’m just sayin…

(But of course, my friend doesn’t watch porn either. Neither of us knows WHAT we’re talking about…)

Posted in Naughty!, Oh The Humanity!, Weird News | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

The Worst Gifts You Could POSSIBLY Receive for Valentine’s Day

I love when the “holidays” come around, because it make the blog super-easy to write.  Gift ideas!  Ooh, la la!  (Well, that is unless I decide to put tables into the post. Then this whole experience becomes an absolute nightmare… Ouch!)

Presented below are six gifts no one should never receive on the “most romantic day” (and if you work it right, night of the year)… Valentine’s Day. Take note.

(And as per tradition, click on the pictures below to purchase said items… should you not wish to heed good advice. You’re welcome.)

Gift What was he thinking(!) What she thinks… Verdict

A Weight Watchers Membership

I love you. Really, I do.

(But you can stand to lose a few lbs…)

NO SOUP FOR YOU! Um… okay.  I’d only give this gift if I wanted to be dumped immediately.

(Hmmmm…)

He’s Just Not That Into You (The book.)

We need to talk… Ruh, Roh… Well, thank the stars that at least you didn’t get the movie

(It sucked big, hairy balls.)

Smittens

From the website: Smittens are mittens specially designed so that two people can hold hands inside of one mitten.

How stupid! How romantic! For the couple who loves to hold hands… but not when it’s cold outside(???)

A Toilet Seat Lifter

I’m NEVER going to remember to put down the toilet seat… thought I’d let you know now! Love ya, honey! Really?!?!??? Just really?? As much as I relish the prospect of never having to fall ass first into the toilet again, it is not the most romantic gift… Oh, and it’s tacky as hell.

(I.e., save it for Mother’s Day…)

THE RING!!!

I LOVE YOU! RIGHT BACK AT YA! A friend made an excellent point: Never get engaged on Valentine’s Day.  Given that 50% of marriages end in divorce, you don’t want to ruin the most “romantic day of the year” for years to come.

(And it goes without saying… don’t serve divorce papers on Feb 14 either, losers!)

NOTHING! NADA! NIENTE!

This “holiday” is overrated and overpriced.

(Translation:            I forgot. My bad!)

Consider yourself single, buddy! Listen, if you are lucky enough to have a significant other this year (and want to keep her), by all means, run to your local convenience store and at least buy chocolate and flowers. Do something, dagnabbit!!

(Unless you want to proceed through the rest of your life as a eunuch.   Hey, I don’t judge… )

[Ed Note: Yes, she does!]

Posted in Check Please!, Happy Happy!, Holiday Gifts | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Online Dating: Le Fin

Did you notice that I didn’t post anything last week?  I decided to wait patiently for the s***storm from the previous post to die down.  But I’m back now.  Yay?

Now, now. No comments from the peanut gallery...

Ten days should have given me some inspiration.   But nope, I got nuthin.’  Oh well. I can always regale you guys with stories of my pathetic (up until now) dating life.  SO… what’s new over here? Well, over that past week, I gave up on online dating altogether.  Why, you ask?  Well… let’s start from the beginning…

[To review, click herehere and here.]

Last Friday, I received an urgent email from my email service provider stating that I was receiving an overwhelming amount of spam from an Indian Matrimonial website called Shaadi.com.

[In a nutshell, Shaadi.com (English translation: marriage.com) is a repository of repressed, desperate, (and mostly) illiterate men mostly residing in India.  They essentially want green cards.  So they’ll message any woman from the USA… sometimes every day, thinking that their persistence will pay off.  (It hasn’t.)  For the record, I’ve had a profile with them, but I rarely accessed it – aside from when I needed sad, sad stories to tell over the blogosphere. (See links above.)]

Back to the story. At that point, my spam folder held over 500 emails from *ahem* new “potential suitors.”  In a panic, I clicked on one of the emails and realized that they were not for me at all.  These replies were for somebody named “Cholie K. Pechey.”

I immediately knew that someone pranked me.  “Cholie K Pechey” (or in Hindi, Choli ke Peche) literally translates to “underneath the blouse.”  It’s an older Bollywood song, famous primarily because of its bawdiness… and dancing. Yeah, that’s it.

Honestly, you don’t need the subtitles to get what the song is about… but here ya go!

This practical joke would have been hilarious… if it wasn’t happening to me. At this point, over 1,000 emails had flooded my inbox. From the same mustached and now HORNY men in India. Telling me what they were going to do to me once we met up. Yeah. I’ll spare you the outright creepiness of 99% of the responses. I’m sad to report that “Cholie” did not respond to any of their propositions.

And since I did not have a password, I couldn’t shut the account down!

A plea on Facebook to catch the culprit ensued. Finally, one of my friends fessed up, and I was able to obtain the password and delete “Cholie K. Pechey” from my life entirely. Well, almost. Deleting her 3,500+ emails from my inbox took another dedicated hour or so…

So you thought it was over?  Well, not quite.  Yesterday afternoon, I received a phone call from another Shaadi.com user.  And I freaked the freak out.  Oh, let’s count the level of fail, shall we???

1.)  He knew my name.  My name is never posted on dating websites; and
2.) He had my number. (Well, my Google Voice number, but still.) I definitely NEVER post that level of information.

If I remember correctly, Shaadi requires you to give your name and number when you sign up. (I was careful at the time to set my preferences so that nobody on the site could access either.) I went to my profile for the first time in months to see if my personal information was posted or accessible to certain people. It wasn’t.

I reasoned that this person must have been a Shaadi.com employee who broke into the database. That WAS the last straw. I immediately deleted my never-used profile and for good measure, went to Google Voice and blocked the loser entirely. He’ll get a “number’s been disconnected” message if/when he calls again. And as for Match, Plenty of Fish, and other dating websites where I have accounts, those will disappear within a week as well.

So it’s over, folks. I’m done with online dating. But since I’ve been having some success with offline dating lately, I’m not broken up about it at all.

Posted in Check Please!, Ewwww!, Holy Cow, I'm annoyed, Online Dating, Those Asians! | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

To the people responding to a previous post…

I wrote a blog post recently… the post itself or its contents are not important.  I apparently hit a nerve with one reader.  This person decided to write about it… and based on three whole (short) paragraphs, wrote a PhD-level dissertation about it, repudiating me… and eventually a group of people in general.

Anyone who reads my blog regularly knows that I keep my writing light.  Everything that I say must be taken with a pound of salt.  That whole article, while “truthy,” was written with (bad) humor in mind, and not as thesis on the state of the world.  I’m just not that deep… at least not in a public blog.

I’m overwhelmingly flattered that my writing had so much power that someone actually took the time to refute me… in a 1,500+ word essay.   But the section that the blogger took so much time to comment on was really, only a few sentences long.  (And he only focused on only 2-3 of them.)  The thought is incomplete at best and not worthy of their scorn.

Fortunately, there are better articles on the topic that are suited to his critique.   I linked to one of them in my original post.  I do hope that the blogger takes the time to read and evaluate that essay.  I would definitely be interested in reading it!

I thought about ‘replying to the reply’ point by point, but meh.  I’ve already moved on, and don’t feel like continuing the conversation…

But before I leave this topic behind forever, I do have some advice for the blogger (since he were so generous in giving some to me):   In the future, when you and your readers decide to descend on some unsuspecting punter’s blog, please refrain from giving stern lectures on how people should act and feel.  For me, I already have a mom, thanks; and in the end, you don’t know me at all.  And while I have no problems with you taking potshots at my posts per se, beg off my readers and audience, okay?  I’m quite protective of them.

Generally, I  love dissenting opinions on my blog posts.   It means that I am doing my job being a provocateur on the ‘nets.  But alas, this time, this “chick/bitch” is invoking the “my blog, my rules” theorem.   I intend to keep my blog low on the controversy and, yes disrespect (ironically)… and keep to the rhythm of my drum.   My space on the internet is light and casual, and I fully intend to keep it that way.  So I’m not going to link to the article or approve any comments (positive or negative) to the post in question.  (1/29 edit: I took down the offending post to hopefully quell some of the simmer…)  But no harm, no foul.  I wish you all the best.  And thanks for reading my blog, boys, and bringing in traffic to my website.

And that’s all I have to say on the subject.

Posted in Blog Update, Check Please!, Oh The Humanity! | Tagged , | 3 Comments