During my blog absence (again), I’ve been *ahem*… growing. Not up, mind you (dammit)… but figuratively, exploring my squishy insides…
Dale Carnegie‘s books entered my life, and I’ve been emulating his teachings. That is, I’m trying to be a more authentic, kinder, gentler person, living in the present. Ergo, being the best No Disrespect I can possibly BE…
Blah, blah, blah. Well, I hit my rock bottom today. This goody-goody stuff ain’t for me.
In the end, yes, I am a misanthrope. (And how!) I need to suck it up – and just own my bad, terrible, no good self. Here’s a few pointers that you can use… to become JUST. LIKE. ME!!! Because we need more wars, strife, famine and general unpleasantness in the world…
1.) Live in the past. Dwell on what went wrong with your life up until now…
You just don’t deserve the misery you found yourself in.
It’s not fair that everyone around you seems so content, surrounded by family and friends who care for them… while you’re eating takeout with your lonesome every weekend night. What the hell happened? How/why did life turn out like this??? Why don’t people like you????
Well actually, once you think about it, it’s easy. You shouldn’t have to try so hard to be liked. Pretending to like people is hard. Genuinely caring about people takes even more work. And even if you put an honest effort in taking some interest in others, they may not like you back. Or they may like you for a while, and then not. Or vice versa. Relationships are hard.
Honestly, it’s just easier to just hate people. Period. And be by yourself. Blaming others for your pathetic life is so much easier than taking responsibility for it. So you just gave up on humanity at some point and collected a few take out menus.
But not all is lost!!! You can still take your deeply seeded frustrations out on everyone who dares to not like you for being you. Which leads to my second point…
2.) Take EVERY slight (whether true or perceived) personally.
Let’s face it, rejection sucks. That is, when you actually allow yourself to feel dismissed. You don’t have to turn the other cheek again… EVER. Turn it around… take it in… and passive aggressively throw your “hurt” in the offender’s face later. Oh, to see the look on his face! Causing drama is SO MUCH FUN!!!!
Especially when you have no emotional investment in others.
3.) Feel like you’re entitled to EVERYTHING.
There’s only one of you in the world. And one life to experience. Live it up. Take what’s yours. Seriously. And if you can’t afford it/get it for free/bribe it off of someone/possess it entirely… snatch it. Grab it for all it’s worth. Even if it “technically” doesn’t belong to you, hey, it’s yours now!!!
Five finger discount, baby. Five finger discount.
3.) Don’t say what you mean… or mean what you say.
When I was just a wee tadpole, my parents told me that people should like me just the way I am. Strangely, nobody likes No Disrespect (see above)… Hmmm…
Okay. New rules. I’ll become someone else. You call it fake. I call it Darwinist… survival of the fittest, baby!
To have an interesting life, c’mon… you have to make it up! I just stepped off a plane from Tahiti yesterday, and am going to the Cayman Islands tomorrow. Be jealous.
And when you start talking s**t, the possibilities for prevarication are endless. You can now lie about your emotions, interpersonal relationships… pretty much every single pebble of minutiae with others. And if you get to the Bonus Level… you can even start lying to yourself.
Bliss! (yes… say it with me… IS ignorance…)
5.) Don’t take care of yourself.
Exercise?!?!??? Eat healthy?!?!??? Wear deodorant????
Ha! That s**** just takes too much time away from drinking copiously and getting high daily. As we said earlier, you got only one life to live. Live it. (Or not.)
Because living is so much easier when you don’t have to experience it.
And honestly, if people don’t like your slobby self, really it’s their problem, not yours.
6.) Keep doing the same thing over… and over again
Above all, trying new things is just… too risky. Doing something out of the norm causes weird, new sensations… and emotions are too… well, emotional. Best to just not deal with anything new and shiny. At all.
In the end, the game of life is rigged with disappointment. Everybody and everything exists just to let you down. F**** all of them.
It’s better to continue your routine. Stay in your own little rut. Where everything stays the same. Because then, nothing gets rocked. Your bubble won’t burst. You know what will happen every single damn day of your life.
And so, the chain is unbroken. Now, you have more things to complain about to anyone who will listen…
The circle of unhappiness gets another spin. Because there’s always more misery to go around.