So, Mr. Friendly, you are a social butterfly… making friends left and right. You have plans every single weekend and people go out of their way to be in your presence. Lucky? Well, to me, not so much. People are exhausting. In the end, I just don’t like the drama and the pettiness that some “friendships” provide. Below, here’s a few steps I’ve taken to distangle myself from the whole socializing thing…
[Ed Note: When I write about friendships, inevitably one person will think that I am talking about them. Sit down Carly Simon… this post ain’t about you. It’s satire (really…), and I don’t have one person in mind as I write. Get over yourself.]
Let us begin, then:
1.) I talk ad nauseum about myself.
I’m in love with myself. And my fascinating life is way more interesting than yours. So I must talk about it… and talk about it some more.
My work, home, car and wealth impresses people more than your lousy profession and possessions… and we both know it. The expensive events, galas and functions I attend are more stimulating than any rinky-dink party you go to. Even my personal problems are more spectacular than yours.
Unless you have some connections or contacts that I need, I’m just not all that interested in you or your pathetic existence. When you try to get a word in edgewise, I turn the conversation back on myself. In the end, your life is well… boring, and I’ll hear none of it.
2.) I’ll never do anything I don’t want to. Ever.
I don’t realize that not everybody likes the same things. I’m so inflexible that any plans that do not excite me… well, just count me out. I just won’t go anywhere or do anything that I don’t approve of wholeheartedly. I don’t care that I’m your “friend…” you must always succumb to my wishes. And go to places that I assent to first.
And I reserve the right to change my mind at any time. Something that may have interested me once may never catch my eye again.
3.) I’m so fashionably late… that I may never arrive.
There’s nothing worse than being the first person to arrive to an event and being forced to wait for another… it will never happen with me. So I expect YOU to show up before me… and I’ll get there when I get there.
Sometimes I won’t come at all, and call you at the absolute last minute. (If I remember to contact you, that is…) Of course, by that time, you have already arrived and chilled out by your lonesome for awhile.
If I do make it at all, if something comes up that’s more interesting, I may leave without telling you too.
4.) Conversation etiquette. Wha?!?!???
So we are talking (of course, about me). Someone catches my eye. I may or may not know him/her. But I want to. So just know I’m not above walking away from you mid-conversation and starting a new one. Now, it’s up to you to find a new person to talk to, because I’m certainly going to make sure that you’re not welcome in my circle of two.
And if someone more interesting calls when we happen to be together, sorry, but you better believe I’m going to take it. And I’ll talk for however long I need/want to. Yes, while you’re just sitting there beside me, silent.
But please don’t listen in on either conversation. Believe you, me. We are NOT talking about your BORING self. Continue to stare at me and make faces. It amuses me.
5.)The Art of “Stealing” Friends
I love it when people introduce me to other people. Particularly if they are cooler than you, and have some power and connections that I need. If we hit it off and have similar interests, we’ll exchange phone numbers and start hanging out together. Without you.
Well, I don’t feel bad, because the other person was willing to walk away from your “friendship” too.
PS: I’m not above “stealing” your boyfriend either. If he comes home with me, you two are just not meant to be.
6.) Just so you know, I will never EVER call you.
The onus for our friendship is on YOU… you are required to make all the effort to contact me. Phone calls, emails, snail mail, telepathy… it doesn’t matter. I’m never going to make the first move to connect with you. Why? Because I’m a busy person. And my time is more valuable than yours.
I guarantee, with these full-proof methods, you’ll go from sixty to zero friends in no time. (You may still have lots of acquaintances… Your reputation will precede you though, so you’ll run through those people relatively quickly too.)
Because in the end, my cat is better company than most people I come across.