I hope all of you had a great weekend!
Because well… Bill O’Reilly did not. He wrote a book on one of our best-loved (and most written about) presidents, good ol’ Abe Lincoln entitled, “Killing Lincoln: The Shocking Assassination That Changed America Forever.” Well, due to massive factual errors and lack of documentation, the National Parks Service banned the text at the place of the dastardly deed, the Fords Theater Bookstore. But he cannot be too bummed… Since September, the book has remained on all national bestselling lists. And because of its popularity, O’Reilly will write two more books, one of which will be another presidential history piece. Umkay.
As I read the article, I realized that in the comments, people were remarking on just how good-looking John Wilkes Booth was in his lifetime. I decided to take it one step further and see if any diabolically evil men could make me swoon. Here are a few…
John Wilkes Booth
So let’s review the (undisputed) facts. Booth assassinated Abraham Lincoln at the Fords Theater. Booth then ran away. Twelve days later, the Feds killed him.
Admittedly, John Wilkes Booth is not my cup of tea. (I’m not into mustaches, but 19th Century women apparently swore by them.) I will say though he does have nice posture, eyes and skin. But he KILLED A PRESIDENT, so it would never work out.
While Booth was successfully killing Abraham Lincoln, Lewis Powell attempted (and failed) to assassinate William Powell, Lincoln’s Secretary of State. He was sentenced to death, and was hanged along with other Lincoln assassination conspirators.
Obviously, Booth has nothing on Powell. Powell was a hottie. Unfortunately, he was also a racist, so alas, I’ll have to move on.
Booth recruited Samuel Arnold to participate in a failed plot to kidnap the Prez prior to the assassination. When it did not go through, Arnold resumed his previously scheduled life…
…Until letters from Arnold were found in Booth’s hotel room after Lincoln’s death. He was convicted of conspiracy and sentenced to life in prison, but Andrew Jackson pardoned him in 1869. Arnold then wrote a memoir, fully admitting his guilt in the plot to harm Abe, made some money, and lived the rest of his life in peace.
Since Arnold lived the longest out of all of the Lincoln conspirators listed above, I guess we could have hung out in the 19th Century. (Well, if I was white.) But honestly, he sounds like a loser. Way to gain notoriety without actually, you know… doing anything!!! (He was the Kim Kardashian of his time, I suppose.) Next.
And well, the last man I’ll mention (shockingly) didn’t conspire to kill Abraham Lincoln at all… instead he murdered his own people. In another century. What happened to this good-looking guy to make him such a tyrant?
This man, my friends, is a young Joseph Stalin. And yes, if he walked by me, I would give him quite a few glances. But alas, he was kind of evil, so it probably wouldn’t have lasted more than one date.
Good men are hard to find.