Six Things I Learned This Week: The Addiction Edition (9/30/11)

Ahhh… Friday. How I have missed you. Nice to see you again! It has been a long week, so this post will be relatively short.

Note: Don’t try ANY of the below at home. Seriously. I can and will not be held responsible for your stupidity. And with that disclaimer, here we go!



1.) In honor of National Coffee Day (which was apparently yesterday), I would be remiss if I didn’t mention America’s daily (legal) addiction.   Have you ever observed someone who is trying to cut back on their daily cup(s) of Joe?  At the very least, they are not pleasant to be around… Caffeine is a drug, and yes, people do suffer withdrawal symptoms and can overdose on it too.

I was told by a friend that a female reporter, researching a story on caffeine’s effects, drank one shot of espresso every hour for several hours… and died.  I can’t verify the account above on the internet, so here’s another one.  Luckily for this moron, girl #2 did survive after ingesting seven double espressos in four hours.



2.)  I hang out with some weird people.  I was told by the same person that if you take an orange rind, smear toothpaste on it, and put it in a damp, dark place for a couple of weeks… when you eat it later, mold and all, you will hallucinate.  It’s a step down from LSD, but hey, it’s free!

This friend is 0 for 2.   It’s a myth.  (I should seriously stop listening to him.)  I anticipate the only trippy effect you will experience is dizzyness as you vomit the entire disgusting concoction up.  Oh, and while we’re at it, smoking banana peels won’t get you high either.


3.)  Okay.  Okay.  If you really, really want to start hallucinating without going to your local drug dealer, deny yourself REM sleep for 4 days.  Let me warn you though… it won’t be the happy, joyous high you’re probably looking for.   Quite the opposite, actually.


4.)  Have you heard of Lazy Cakes?  Apparently, they can be easily otbained at your local drugstore, the 7-11 and many university bookstores… at the moment.  They are packaged brownies, laced with 8 milligrams of melatonin per serving, among other supplements.  (Melatonin pills over the counter typically contain 1-5 mg.)  These faux-pot brownies have put people to sleep for 13 hours at a time!

But fear not, the FDA is on the case, and will start seizing these yummy concoctions from stores that sell them.  And some cities have already banned them.   Sorry to get out the news out so late folks… you might have to resort to the real thing.


5.)  Okay, so you have a friend who is currently overdosing on heroin.   He sees bugs pouring out of the vent, and is understandably freaking out.  “Brushing them away” or spraying the area with Raid isn’t helping at all… those pesky bugs still keep a comin.’ What. Do. You. Do?!?!??

Just take some tape and place it over the opening.  With a physical barrier, the bugs cannot come inside anymore.  And your friend can continue to detox in relative peace.

(This nugget of information is courtesy of my Grad School education.  $20,000 put to good use right there… yee haw!)


6.)  And finally.  FINALLY.  Let’s talk about history for a minute… specifically the Salem Witch Trials.    This sad incident took place between 1692-1693 in Massachusetts.  Hundreds of people were accused of being witches and put on trial; and 19 beings:  14 women, 5 men and 1 dog were sentenced to death for their devilry deads.

Some researchers postulate that many of these ‘witches’ accidentally ingested ergot, which contaminated baked goods at the time.  The ergot fungus grows on rye and creates compounds that are very similar to LSD.  In fact, LSD was discovered by a chemist who was researching ergot chemicals.

So the ladyfolk (and some manfolk) went crazy with hallucinations… and the town went crazy too in retaliation.

Damn hippies.






About No Disrespect

A little schmuck in a big world
This entry was posted in Complaints, Edumacation, Six Things I Learned This Week, Stupidity and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Six Things I Learned This Week: The Addiction Edition (9/30/11)

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