Hi, Ho. (All negative connotations inplied…)
Hope you had a good weekend. Off to the old grind, eh? Do you hate your job? So bad that you had to drag your ass our of bed this morning?? Have you had three cups of coffee already… and are STILL in a bad mood? Before you take your shame and abhorrence out of your coworkers, consider the alternatives: You could be employed in a REALLY crappy job. Thanks to my newest favorite magazine obsession Lapham’s Quarterly, they have laid out the worst jobs ever. (And I mean evah!) Let’s consider the alternatives, shall we?
You may want to put down that doughnut before you continue. You have been warned…
It is sobering that two (possibly three… I don’t know anything about the gaming world…) of the jobs selected for this list… well, are still occurring! Yeah, I thank my higher power today that I not employed at Nike, Inc. in China. (or Apple, Inc., or any other company brand that’s sitting on my coffee table at the moment. Ye Gods!)
In order to not feel so lazy, humor me while I put my own stamp on things, and make my own list of jobs I’m grateful NOT to have…
1.) Prison Guards
With an average salary of $32,000, prison guards have the honor of monitoring people who have been convicted of a criminal offense and sentenced to jail time. They maintain order throughout the prison, and are on duty day and night, holidays and weekends. There is always a possibility of riots, fires, fights, or escape attempts. Guards must be on alert at all times so they nor their inmates are hurt. Fun times are had by all…
2.) Porno Theater Janitor
You’re not just cleaning up popcorn and spilled drinks, people.
(No photographic evidence provided for obvious reasons.)
4.) When I had a dog (RIP, Binkie the Younger), I’d always complain about picking up after her. Twice (sometimes three) times a day… I’ll never say another word again.
And talking about feces collection…
4.) Sewer Cleaner (India)
Working for the Sanitation Department in Kolkata (Calcutta) involves being lowered into a sewer manhole, and shoveling the feces of 4.5 million people into a bucket. You are generally only outfitted with your underwear… and mayyybe some gloves, if you’re lucky. After about fifteen minutes of gagging, you’ve had enough, and your co-workers drag you up, covered in human excrement. Despite breathing in methane, not to mention the horrible fact that you are covered in oozing sores most of your short life, you are still thankful that you have secure employment.
Worst Government. Job. Ever.
But even worse than a sewer cleaner, in my honest opinion… the worst job ever goes to:
5.) A Forensic Entomologist
Seriously, people get PhDs in this s**t. When people die, it is generally not clean and tidy. Maggots and worms and stuff start eating away at us. And when that (former) someone is tied to a criminal investigation, forensic entomologists get to study these creepy crawlies to discover the time and manner of death based on these li’l critters. (I.e., they handle all of these bugs (dead or alive) and put them in hermetically sealed jars for analysis. Eek!
I hope, through through this series of grossness, you feel better about yourselves now. Kick some ass this week people, and earn those damn paychecks!